A Worshipful Heart

Auto pilot.  It's so easy to slide into auto pilot mode without even realizing it.  We can be so busy with the day-to-day, the mundane or not, the routines, the schedules.  It's easy to set our thoughts aside and focus on the task at hand, or to be thinking about the million other things in our heads that fill space and time so easily, so quickly.  But how often do we take the time to just be still?  To dwell on God's promises, His words...to just listen for His voice, His guidance?  

When worshiping the Lord in song, do we mean the words that we're singing?  Do we sing them from our souls with minds cleared of distractions?  Our songs to Him should be sung prayerfully, worshipfully, joyfully...and intentionally.  I know that I have been guilty of wandering thoughts of to-do lists and schedules, while attempting to sing His praises.  I also know that there is nothing glorifying to Him because of it...because of my own agenda, my own ideas, my very selfishness.  But God is deserving of the complete opposite - all glory and honor.

Worship takes intention.  But it should flow from us as easily as breathing because of our love and gratefulness to the Father.  A deep relationship with Christ results in an attitude of worship, in everything.  But when our priorities shift out of balance, we can lose sight of His goodness.

The last Sunday we spent at church prior to Camdyn's surgery, we sang "Blessed Be Your Name."  With some undeniably difficult days ahead of us, I sang this song with intention.  As I sang the following lines to the song, I was presented with a choice:

You give and take away, 

You give and take away, 

My heart will choose to say, 

Lord, blessed be Your name.

Did I choose to sing even these words with intention?  In that moment, they were some of the most difficult words I've ever encountered when worshiping in song.  I was promising to sing His praises, even if He decided to take away the blessing He had given me.  Would I be able to respond the way Job responded?  That would be my hope, but we don't truly know how we would respond until we've reached that bridge requiring the action.

I've seen first-hand what that kind of loss looks like...so many others have, too.  Loss of a loved one with an incredibly shortened lifespan.  Life...severed terribly short of what we think it reasonably ought to be.  I was only five, but those things stay with you.  The memories, the emotions, the effect.  Was I prepared to face that again...on a new level (as a mother, rather than a sister), if the Lord willed it?

This summer was, so very fortunately, not my time for having to cross that bridge.  Praise God.  But it has had me thinking about living a life that's in constant worship of Him.  With complete intention.  Regardless of circumstances.

The Bible says we are to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you," (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).  Do we continually rejoice for what He's done?  Are we in ceaseless communication with Him through prayer?  Do we truly give Him our thanks in ALL circumstances?

Worship has nothing to do with ourselves and everything to do with our Creator.  If we think anything otherwise, we have entirely missed the mark.  Worship shouldn't depend on our changing moods or circumstances.  It should be focused on the One who never changes.  Who's steadfast.  Who is deserving of all glory and honor.  We should worship Him in the blessings and the trials simply because He is God and He never changes.  Learn from the trials, be grateful for the blessings, but worship Him because of who He is.

"Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness," (Psalm 29:2).

My Heart's Song

Do you ever wake up first thing in the morning with a particular song playing in your mind?  Even a particular Bible verse?  It happens to me all the time.  There would appear to be no rhyme or reason for it, other than the fact that our Heavenly Father placed it there for His own purpose...whether its one for us to dwell upon, one that convicts us, or one that should be shared with a particular person in our lives.

Camdyn reminded me of this when she was singing one of her favorite Christmas songs (O, Night Divine/Fall On Your Knees) before school, as she got ready in her bedroom.  When she came out of her room, she said that God had just put that song in her head this morning, so she had to sing it.  The girl does love to sing.  And her voice is beautiful.  But she sings because it's in her head (or heart), and she has to "get it out."  Not because she doesn't want it there, but because she can't help it.

During our consult with Camdyn's surgeon, God gave me one verse I needed to hear (and repeat) during those hours of uneasiness (and thereafter).  And for Camdyn's Big Red Heart Day, God had put a song in my heart that I kept singing to myself over and over. These helped me to stay focused on what was important...that Camdyn's health was completely in the palm of the hand of a sovereign, loving, and gracious God (and still is).

Regardless of how we sound when we sing, or who might hear us doing it, God puts these songs on our hearts for a reason.  It's always to glorify and worship Him, but sometimes He has other motives, too.  Oftentimes, these words are to be shared.  You really never know who needs to hear those words, so that's what I'm going to do...share with you the song that's been in my heart.  And I may do this from time to time...just a quick post with the song (or verse) that's playing within my soul.  Lately, it has been this song that we sing for worship at our church:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

Turn your mind upon Jesus

Think on the truth that is light

We will bow our hearts to the Lord of life

And find peace in His glory and might

Turn your heart upon Jesus

The power of our Lord is our peace

With a humble heart we will praise His name

We grow less that our Lord may increase

We grow less that our Lord may increase

Is there a certain song or verse that's always with you?  Do you find yourself singing His praise aloud without even realizing it?  Share it!  And sing on!  You never know who will be touched by those words.

Happy Friday and almost weekend, friends!

We Named Him "Ed"

Nope, we didn't get a dog.  Or a cat.  Or a goldfish.  But we do have a lovely new addition to our home.  Perplexed?

That's the name of our new dining table.

"Ed," without extensions...I couldn't even fit it all in one picture!

The one that my dear husband slaved away on for four months off and on until it was finished.  It was a pure labor of love.  Remember when I mentioned there was a project we were "chiseling away at" in this post?  This 7-foot beauty was it.  Literally.  (And by "we," I mean "he").

One of the table feet and the bottom of one leg, all cut and then chiseled by my hubby's own hand!

Let's rewind a bit.  One of our biggest pet peeves about our home was never being able to accommodate more people.  We like having family and friends come over (and not forcing them to stand).  Occasionally, we throw a pretty darn good shindig.  But our sad little "maxed-out-at-six-people" table wasn't cutting it anymore...especially when you consider we are a family of four.  Don't get me wrong...our hand-me-down table served us well for 10 years of our marriage.  It fit in our first apartment nicely after a little refinishing, and was easily moved into our eat-in kitchen area when we bought our first (and current) home.  It serves well as a buffet space on its own...but to sit down for a meal there AND have the food on the table?  Too much to ask.

One leg and part of the lower trestle

We decided it was time for a change.  We had fallen in love with the most beautiful table we've ever seen from Restoration Hardware...but, let's be real, here, friends.  We're on a Target budget.  But the tables we could find there weren't any better or bigger than the one we already had.  That's when we decided that we would rather have fewer pieces in our home that are good quality or something we really love, than a bunch of things that we've always just "made do with" because they worked and we lacked better options.  So, I started selling all of those unnecessary items (after taking loads of smaller items to some local thrift stores).  We started saving all of that cash, drew up the plans, priced it all out...and then got right to work!

Now, this will definitely not be considered a DIY post.  My husband, the wonderful woodworker that he is (as a hobby, for now), sort of figured it out as he went.  This was a MAJOR project and he didn't want to make any mistakes that could cost us more money (cue antsy wife:  "I think we're running out of things to sell!").  I don't even know how many hours he put into that baby.  Countless hours, lots of days, in the heat of the summer, and mounds of sawdust.  Mounds and mounds of sawdust.  All to "beat it up" prior to staining it (which was part of our plan).  We didn't want perfection.  We wanted it to be lived in.  We don't like worrying about the kids staining or dinging something just because they're kids.  We teach them to take care of the things that we have.  But we don't want them to feel like they can't be kids, or that mommy and daddy value "things" more than their loves' feelings.  We like having a "wash-and-wear" rule for our furnishings (especially those that couldn't easily be fixed or replaced).

Close-up of one foot

"Ed" now sits in our eat-in-kitchen-dining-area (we've never really been sure what to call it) happily.  All seven feet of him.  He's a whopping nine feet long when we put the extensions in him.  Isn't he handsome?

One leg and one crosspiece on the underside

Why "Ed," you ask?  Because during our distressing process (which Camdyn all-too-happily participated in with the grown-ups), one of the things Phil used was a heavy chain that had a fist-sized hook attached to it (for the random dings, of course).  On that hook read the word "FORGED."  The only part that remained was "ED."

Where "ED" originated.

See it?  So we named him "Ed."  This table has enough heft to support such a masculine name.  No, I can't lift it to move it (but I can nudge it!), no matter how much I might never try.  It was a labor of love.  It will attend many family dinners, dinners with friends, and homework and craft sessions.  It will remind my husband how much he enjoys being a craftsman...and challenging himself.  It will remind me how much my husband loves me to spend so much blood, sweat, and tears on it.  It will allow us to host more meals in our home, with friends old and new.  It will be a family heirloom.

I am SO in love.

Given that this was such a labor of love, and a work-in-progress for four months crafted by my husband's own two hands, it reminds me that each of us is a labor of love for our Heavenly Father (as I said in this post).  Jesus paid the price to set us free, and now God chisels away at us, removing the pieces of us that no longer fit, that don't belong to His finished product.  It reminds me of a Michaelangelo quotation I heard long ago:

Michaelangelo

And just like Ed, the end result will be that we each have God's name written on us for all to see.  But unlike us and our table, God desires perfection, though it isn't something that we can achieve.  Our lives are to be hidden with Christ (Colossians 3:3)...and Christ is the picture of perfection.  All that "chiseling" away at our old selves can be painful, and it certainly takes time.  Not only does it take time, but also patience, knowledge, confidence.  Love.  It takes loads and loads of love.  Our Heavenly Father is the Master Craftsman.

⁸ "But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand." (Isaiah 64:8)

So our Ed is all done and sitting handsomely in our home.  Now...onto the chairs... :-)   

For a closer look and additional photos, check out our #koppertableproject hashtag on Instagram!

At the Corner of 87th and Progress

That's where we are.  It's been that many days since Camdyn's Fontan.  A whopping 87.

In that time, Camdyn has gone from swollen, sore, heavily medicated, and unable to stand more than a few minutes on her own, to.....spending her first grader recess time running like crazy and kicking around a soccer ball (and yes, it makes this mama's heart race).

She went from being unable to leave the hospital (or the PICU) to.....being excited to leave for school every morning.

She went from seclusion from other children and public places to.....attending class with 20-something other children, five days a week.

She went from picking at her hospital food to.....happily digging into her dinner and then eating her (uninterested) brother's, too.......and then begging for a bedtime snack two hours later {GASP!!!}.

She went from constant monitoring by her nurses and doctors to.....a five-week gap in cardiology appointments (and now, three months!!!).

She went from daily lab work to.....four-and-a-half months between any possible "pokes."

She went from a nonfat {mostly} diet to.....a heart healthy diet (but seriously, we promised the girl we'd celebrate with beef ribs ASAP...and we'll surprise her with them tonight (which makes me childishly giddy).

September 5th cardiology follow-up

I've said it before and I'll say it again...we are incredibly blessed and thankful.  The road always seems longer than it really is before getting started, but then you hunker down, rely on God for everything, and He carries you through it...and before you have a chance to realize it, you're already halfway there.  

These appointments wouldn't be normal without the silly faces.

See what you might miss if you don't take a moment to look back?

Reflections & Why "Looking Back" is Key

You know those pictures with inspirational or encouraging phrases you find online (you can see my Pinterest board here)?  Well, I have a "thing" for words, and oftentimes I think there's much truth to what some of them say.  Sometimes they are Bible-based, sometimes not.  Sometimes they're right, and sometimes they're wrong.  Other times, they simply provoke a little thing called thought and reflection.

There's one I've seen recently that I liked initially...and then I decided there was a little bit of truth to it, but it didn't really allow for the whole picture.  It reads:  "Don't look back, you aren't going that way."

While I do think its important to keep your focus on what's ahead of you (whether its a short-term focus or an ultimate, eternal focus on God), and that we shouldn't dwell on our past mistakes, where this quote falls short for me is the fact that you may forget how far He's brought you in your journey and what He's accomplished during that time.  You wouldn't be able to compare your past to your present.

(I couldn't find the original source for this!  If you know, please tell me)

I think the "looking back" is important...necessary, even.  It causes reflection, which results in gratefulness.

Gratefulness for how He carried you through.

Gratefulness for what He taught you.

Gratefulness for His unending grace and unconditional love.

Gratefulness for His blessings.

And gratefulness for knowing that He hasn't accomplished His work in you.  He isn't finished yet.  You're still His work-in-progress.

A little personal reflection

The C.S. Lewis  quotation describes our summer for me, better than my own words could.  And not just our summer, even, but our entire parenting career, thus far.  And if you don't look back from time to time, you can't see how far you've come.  Just this summer, we went from this:

Camdyn, just out of the OR, post-Fontan on June 11th

All set up in her PICU room

There's a bunch of "extras" hiding beneath the blanket, too.

(Let's revisit that second picture one more time for points of reference, shall we?)

A couple of notes for reference

To this:

Camdyn, on our girls' date night Friday

And while we were in the trenches, it was difficult to see much change, if any, daily.  But reflecting on what it all looked like when we started the summer, it seems worlds away now.  And by "worlds" I mean "how was that only less than three months ago???"

We've never shared Camdyn's day-of or day-after surgery pictures in order to provide a bit of censoring for our little girl who just doesn't look like herself (and to protect those whose hearts would drop when seeing our sweet pea this way).  They always come out of surgery all puffy and swollen, with, what seems like, a million attachments and gadgets...all to work in protecting her sweet life. Initially, we choose not to take these pictures, but we always decide later that it would be such a testament to God's love and care for her to be able to show them to her later.  After recovery.  When she's doing great and back to herself.

So when you think about it, especially when you feel discouraged or at a standstill, just take a moment to glance back at your circumstances three, six, however-many-months ago.  Acknowledge the changes, the steps forward, the lessons learned.

And then give Him your sincerest gratitude.  

Insta-Love

I have always enjoyed taking photographs.  For as long as I can remember, I've had the tendency to look at life through a camera lens. I have always been more of a "details person" (in many ways) than a "big picture" person.  Those moments, details, and tidbits that make up our life bring me such joy.  Many times, they are fleeting as we scurry around to get my little love out the door with her daddy and off to school, and other times, they are moments when we can pause and take a million a few snapshots to help us remember it (seriously..."Hi, my name is Tiffany, and I'm hard on my hard drive").

Enter:  INSTAGRAM.

Now, I do have a Canon DSLR that I ADORE (it snaps fast if the settings are right for the ever-changing moments of my littles), but sometimes, I just don't want to lug that thing out...and then make sure that my littlest love is incapable of getting to it.

But, boy, do I love Instagram.  I love the editing capabilities (it's so easy and there's lots of filters), they are constantly upgrading, and I can instantly share my photos with family and friends.  With a caption.  And then maybe a hashtag or twelve two. #ireallyonlyusethemjustforfun.  (No, this post was not written as a paid advertisement for IG, though it sure does sound like it!).  I also like using IG in combination with other apps like PicFrame, A Beautiful Mess, and Rhonna Designs (my newest favorite).

Documenting the fun days (our first time skiing!!)
and the not-so-fun days (a kindergartener's lesson learned the hard way)

While we were at the hospital for our #bigredheartday and #camdynsfontan2013, it was a quick and easy way to keep track of the day's highlights (and lowlights?  Now I sound like a hair stylist)...ups and downs...peaks and valleys.  It was a small glimpse into our world of being heart parents, being stuck at the hospital, praying fervently for our girl to come through with flying colors, missing our little man painfully.  And then to instantly share that with anyone who was following our journey.

Recovery days in the hospital after Camdyn's Fontan

Granted, I did blog about it almost every day, but there were more IG moments than what I put up on the blog.  Looking back at some of those now, even from some when I first started using IG, I realize how quickly things change...especially with having two littles that are constantly changing and growing too fast.  #staylittle please, my #koppercuties.

Why do they grow up so fast?  Trying to capture their childhood with the camera.

That's part of why I love it so much.  We can capture the everyday, the all-too-brief, the moments that we can look back on with fond memories...and not-so-fond memories (the ones where we are grateful that we are not still stuck in that moment - I'm thankful for those, too...as reminders).

Most of the time, they play together so nicely!  Good proof for when they're teenagers, I think.

It's also a place to share encouragement and inspiration (and humor)...and follow others who do the same.

Just a little #freshchalk

On my current project list (which is virtual, because if I wrote it down it might be a little overwhelming), is getting some of these pictures printed for us to enjoy and remember.  I would LOVE to hang some up in each room of the house (okay, maybe each bedroom and then one for the main living area).  I've seen so many different posts about people getting these pictures printed, plus too many a million ideas for how to display them.  (Enter:  PINTEREST).

Of course, I want to keep it budget-friendly but make sure the quality is also decent.  And I want to easily change the display on a moment's whim.  Do you use Instagram?  If so, do you ever print your Instagram photos (and where?)?  OR, what do you do with them?  I'm all ears and would love to know...please drop me a comment below!

Also, if you'd like a peak into our day-to-day, you can follow me on Instagram here!

Treasures

My little love just LOVES to give and collect trinkets.  Whether it's the orangey-yellow fall leaf that she saw at school she knew I would love, the handwritten message that she jots down on a sticky note from her daddy's classroom before school begins, or the heart shape that she cuts out of scrap paper for me, they're all little trinkets.  They're tokens, really, tokens of her love for me.  They're moments of her day that she thought of me.  She gets incredibly excited to bring them to me.  It's the cutest thing I have ever. seen. in. my. whole. life.

Photo Courtesy of Laura Tavarez Photography

And she's been like this for as long as I can remember.

My three favorite silhouettes, Morro Bay, August 2013

When we take a trip somewhere (far or near), she is always on the hunt for that something special that speaks to her heart.  She collects petals, rocks, shells, leaves, scraps of paper in pretty colors or patterns, words...and she brings them home and will stare at them for days.  The last "favorite trinket" that came home with us was a shell.  Upon closer inspection (and discussion with her Uncle Ryan), she learned that it was the shell from a little crab that had lost it in order to move on to bigger and better things.  He'd left his shell on the beach for her to discover.  Except, she was a little confused as to whether or not a "new crab" would grow into that shell in it's place.  She was momentarily devastated (tears and all) when she had realized she misunderstood, but decided to make the most of it by pretending that it would grow if we put it in a cup of water (I almost cried, it was so stinking adorable - no joke).  She named it "Flower," and it sat on the windowsill of our kitchen, soaking up that water and catching some sunshine for a good week before I told her it was time to let it dry and keep in her "shell jar" in her bedroom.

Chasing the waves and collecting treasures in Morro Bay, August 2013

Each flower, each shell, each rock, each drawing or note....they're all treasures.  Treasures from a little girl who sees the beautiful details in everyday life.  I like to think that she got this from me.  There's moments when time stands still as we explore something that we've discovered in the midst of the "daily grind."  It's a beautiful moment we share that I'll tuck into the pocket of my mind where I keep my "treasures."  Sometimes, she asks to use my camera(phone) to take a picture of something she wants to remember. Sometimes, I let her...and then there's 10 pictures of the same thing.  She gets carried away in the beauty of things.  In the fun of things.  In the silliness of things.  In special moments.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope she's always like that.  Just. Like. That.  Easily swept into the beauty of the world God created, the moments that make up our life together on earth, the relationships shared with loved ones.  She's rarely in a hurry for anything.  Ever.  She takes her time to explore...to get easily distracted with what interests her.  Sure, it's frustrating, at times.  But usually, it makes me slow down more to just give her the moment she needs.  It's like she looks at life through a photographer's lens...one that sometimes wears rose-colored glasses.

She even gets excited when Mr. Max does something new, different, or sweet.  He's often silly (or grumpy), but she was so excited the other day when she had kissed his tiny "boo-boo" for him and he kept coming to her and hugging her for more.  The way she responded to him about it made her sound so mature.  They're growing up so fast and I want to treasure all of these moments with them.  If I don't record it, photograph it, or write it down in some way, I'm afraid that I'll forget these tiny details of our daily lives...the details of the here and now.  The "trinkets."

They're treasures of today.  The time will escape us, they'll continue to grow up, but I'll always carry the treasures of these moments with me.